🦋How to Be a Bigot🦄

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Have you ever wanted to be a bigot? 🤔

Have you ever thought, “Wish I could add my name to the list of people who’ve been accused of ableism, misogyny, and other popular forms of bigotry, only I’m too gosh-darned indifferent to the affairs of others and have this terribly-fucking-annoying habit of perceiving individual human entities”? 😔

Well, now you can!!!! 😮😃👍


WAYS TO BE A/AN…

Misogynist:

(1) Suggest that suspected rapists have Constitutional rights.

(2) Explain so-called “wage gap”.

(3) Fully support a woman’s right to an abortion. For ANY reason.

Pro-Lifer:

(1) Explain that a slogan is not an argument.

(2) Explain why choice-based arguments are inherently ineffective.

(3) Suggest that the real threats to abortion are not at the Federal level.

Ableist:

(1) Run

(2) Climb

(3) Retain hearing, vision, and limbs.

Meritocrat:

(1) Succeed.

(2) Praise others for succeeding.

(3) Frown upon incompetence.

Homophobe:

(1) Condemn compulsory labor practices.

(2) Condemn the trolling of small business owners.

(3) Condemn loitering outside cake shops to sell cupcakes without a license for the express purpose of putting cake shop owners out of business.

Transphobe:

(1) Use incorrect pronoun.

(2) Not know correct pronoun to use.

(3) Ask.

Republican:

(1) Support free-market capitalism.

(2) Object to socialized medicine.

(3) Own legal firearm.

Fascist:

(1) Not hate Trump.

(2) Not hate anyone, including Trump.

(3) Criticize Antifa.

Racist:

(1) Object to discriminatory hiring practices.

(2) Quote Martin Luthor King Jr.

(3) Say, “all lives matter”.

White Supremacist:

(1) Point out the sheer lunacy of trying to downplay the role of white males in American history.

(2) Listen to metal.

(3) Be white.

Vaxxer-Nazi (yes, actual thing):

(1) Vaccinate your child. Encourage others to vaccinate their children.

(2) Challenge the results of hundreds of hours of Internet Research.

(3) Condemn chicken pox parties. Suggest smallpox parties for their children instead.

How to Be Guilty of Treason:

(1) Be Donald Trump.

(2) Associate With Donald Trump.

(3) Vote for Green Party candidate in Ohio election.

COMING SOON: teh Blarrrrrrrrrggg will have Guide to Discriminating Against Ethnic Minorities. Stay tuned! ❤️❤️❤️

I R-bot

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Yesterday someone accused me of pushing a socialist agenda because I posted a meme that wasn’t about socialism.

The day before I was a Russian bot because I tend to favor user pics of sentient-looking pastries.

Currently suffering a crisis of identity. Could I be some kind of robot left over from the cold war…?

I is Soviet Bot

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I’ve been accused of a lot of things in my time, but pushing a socialist agenda has never been one of them.

Until now.

It all started when I posted the following image in a thread about a critic of capitalism who had obviously never bothered to look the word ‘capitalism’ up in the dictionary:

The image (which I sadly cannot take credit for) proved popular, raking in several dozen ‘likes’ in a matter of hours — not surprising, given that this thread was in fact the comments section of a publication known for its support of free markets. But there’s always one nimrod who just doesn’t get it.

One particular nimrod REALLY did not get it.

Not only did he accuse me of trespassing onto the thread to promote my anti-capitalist agenda, he also held me accountable for the popularity of the meme, insisting he had seen me seeding it all over teh Internetz under a variety of fake identities.

Pause for a moment to let that sink in.

Sadly, he deleted the comment before it occurred to me to take a screen shot, but here was my initial reply:

Case closed, right? Only not so much:

I was going to include step 3 (GOMI), but I didn’t want to come across as impolite.

It takes all kinds of crazies to make an Internetz, but at least this one didn’t accuse me of pushing a pro-life agenda. Or of being a misogynist. Or a Russian bot. Or invite me to kill myself. Because that shit’s just getting old.

Letter to the Internet

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Dearest Internetz,

I’m not entirely comfortable with where this relationship is headed. As much as I enjoy our time together, I feel like you are a less-than-positive influence on me.

Or perhaps it’s the other way around.

Let’s cool things down a bit, shall we? Especially with the Jesus memes. Because Google Drive only comes with five free gigs.

Intimately yours,
Teleute