Ten years ago I began making plans for when *I* would someday run for President of the United States. I believe my platforms were:
(1) Reduce American dependency on foreign oil: conquer Mexico and Venezuela
(2) Quit testing pharmaceuticals on animals and start testing on death row inmates
(3) Let’s just nuke the Middle East and let that cute goth chick from the Sandman comics sort everything out.
Just wanted to let everyone know that it’s still on. Vote for me in 2020. I promise the rallies will be epic.