My plan to save America
One of my collaborators made the excellent suggestion of having killer robots police teh Wall, so here is the model I have selected:
•••••, I’m thinking we should add some security to OUR side of teh Wall, just in case the Caligonians manage to make it past the electric fence and the drones and teh Wall itself.
I’m thinking special forces, possibly backed up by National Guard. Also, how would you feel about building a moat?
Well, I obviously 🙄 plan to seize control of Silicon Valley and have their servers transferred over to Jeff Bezo’s new NOVA HQ before construction of teh Wall is complete. (Bernie Sanders will be overseeing that contract.)
I mean, what didja think the SSIC hearings were actually about? RUSSIA? 🤣 Don’t make me laugh.
Vladimir Vladimirovich is a pawn of Mark Zuckerburg. The shady Silicon-sponsored Shallow-State Sacramento Shadow Government routinely interferes with Russia’s elections to keep Vlad and Medvedevevevev (Jack Dorsey’s crony) in power as a means of gathering data on how a freedom-loving people with a strong history of government transparency might respond in the event of an authoritarian takeover.
MY FELLOW AMERICANS:
I would like to come out and say that I support the idea of building a wall.
I just don’t think building it along our southern border is economically feasible or particularly desirable.
Instead, I support building a wall around California and Oregon.
Now I realize full well that this will mean making a few sacrifices.**
But I stand prepared to make these sacrifices in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity — because I am an American. 🇺🇸
Now, some of you may have reservations about building teh Wall because of what excommunicating these two (2) states will mean for our nation’s flag.
My fellow Americans, rest assured that I have no intention of violating the aesthetic balance of our society’s supremely sacred symbol. That would be sacrilege — possibly treason.
Instead, I submit that we grant statehood to Puerto Rico and Canada, which for too long have gone without representation in our nation’s capital. Puerto Rico has long sought statehood anyway, only to be met with the inescapable reality that fifty-one (51) stars would look HORRIBLE on our flag. And Canada has simply been too polite to ask.
My fellow Americans, our entire way of life is under attack by a savage people who wish to deprive good honest Americanfolk of our jarbs,*** our straws, and our children’s party favors. Now is not the time to be divided by petty bickering and partisan politics, but to COME TOGETHER and BUILD TEH WALL.
Because in the words of United States senator Benjamin Franklin (following the Union victory at Fort Sumter):
“United we stand. Divided we fall.”
I am going to make California pay for teh Wall.
** I have seven (7) friends in California and three in Oregon. Plus their respective wives and dogs. But freedom isn’t free.
*** Google ‘California exodus’
I have decided to boycott Nike.
Now, I don’t actually understand any of the controversy surrounding athletes kneeling during the Pledge. Granted, I was the kid who refused to say the Pledge on the grounds that the Pledge of Allegiance was for commies, and apart from a few dead Yankees, the only athletes I can actually name appeared in Space Jam.
But I am boycotting Nike nevertheless, because: ableist microaggression.
Some of you may be wondering if I’ve ever even owned a pair of Nikes, because the only shoes you’ve ever seen me in are boots and (long ago) freakishly-high heels.
The answer is yes; I have favored Nike running shoes since I was a wee lad.
I wear them for running. And only for running.
The reason for my patronage should be fairly obvious to anyone who has ever taken the time to carefully scrutinize my bare feet: I have a narrow heel. Also mutant toes, according to a certain someone who needn’t be named.** And Nike running shoes are an excellent choice for anyone with a narrow heel (and mutant toes).
Also, ‘νίκη’ is the Greek word for ‘victory’, which is what turned me on to the brand in the first place. 🏛
I became positively fixated on Nike in high school, following the launch of their Property of No One ad campaign. I thought it was freakin’ godly to wear shirts that read, “property of no one”, followed by the Nike swoosh. You can see sixteen-year-old me in one of my Nike shirts here: #########
But I digress. The point of this post was to announce that I will not be buying any more Nike running shoes to wear when I go running.
Nor will I be running in the Nike running shoes I believe lie buried somewhere in the back of my closet. But I have no plans to burn them either, because that would require me to leave Indoors.
I ask that you all support my personal vendetta against Nike by refusing — REFUSING, I say — to buy me any Nike running shoes. Even if it means sacrificing everything.
(Note: It probably won’t cost you anything.)
** [My Best Friend]
Facebook keeps bugging me to set up a fundraiser even though my next birthday is another year away. So here’s my effing fundraiser:
Go to this site and donate all your money to this wonderful gentleman who is working to spread global awareness about the greatest threat humanity has ever faced.
If you fail to participate in my un-birthday fundraiser, I’ll just have to assume you’re one of THEM.