FACEBOOK: Duck-Billed Bonding


I want to bond with a duck-billed platypus.  I would name him Obi Wan and keep him in little booties until he was properly trained to sting only intruders and sworn enemies.

I would take him on airplanes for emotional support and play the Trump Derangement Syndrome card if anyone tried to stop me.

FACEBOOK: Elementary Child Excuse Maker


I have decided to invent the Elementary Child Excuse Maker, a handheld device that will enable a child to choose among a number of practical, pre-recorded responses to any and all forms of adult inquiry.

With selections ranging from the traditional “I didn’t know any better,” to the contemporary “I need more reminders” and the ultra-hip “Maybe YOU need to work on your communication skills” — and boasting such features as Volume Control, Attitude Adjustment, and Nonverbal Effects (gagging noises and the like) — the Elementary Child Excuse Maker is the perfect gift for the sagacious child who is tired of having to repeat himself to those pesky adults in his life.

(To come in rude red and obnoxious orange. INVEST TODAY!)

FACEBOOK: Faith Healing


If I hadn’t become a cripple, I think I would have become a faith healer. But being a feeble, pestilence-ridden gimp probably wouldn’t do much in the way of establishing street cred, even among The Faithful.

Unless the Stigmata returns. But that only seems to afflict me when we play Monkeyball at Chuck E. Cheese

FACEBOOK: Shovel, Plz


I’m midway through a bio of Alexander Hamilton published half a century ago by an elderly scholar, and I’ve already had to look up so many words and archaic expressions that I’ve started making flashcards.

Someone lend me a shovel and a copy of Professor Knowby’s Necronomicon, cuz this guy’s a keeper.