Women in Refrigerators


Horrible dream last night:

Garth Ennis was being persecuted by feminists, because feminists are real.  Unlike the majority of the enemies that populate my dreamscape, which only exist in my imagination and are generally welcome to have a go at me.

Feminists, on the other hand, are not welcome anywhere.

For therapeutic purposes — and as a helpful guide for anyone looking to prioritize — I’ve started compiling a list of women I would like to see in refrigerators:

1. Lena Dunham
2. Kathleen Hanna
3. Emma Watson
4. Gloria Steinem
5. Gail Simone

Naturally, Gloria Steinem appears on this list, outranked by Emma Watson, because Gloria does not require Emma’s ideological rubber stamp of approval.  Gail Simone only ranks fifth, because nobody remembers who the fuck she is anyway.  Numbers 1 & 2 require no further explanation.

But lest I be accused of misogyny (yet again), here is a list of womyn I would like to see score their own monthly titles with DC Comics:

1. Triggered Feminist
2. That racist, pink-haired New York Times editor who could have taught Adolf Hitler a thing or two about intolerance
3. Wil Wheaton, aka “Anne

FACEBOOK: Mrs. Doubtfire


Mrs. Doubtfire is actually pretty creepy from a mother’s perspective.  It’s a wonder the uncle DIDN’T make that bodysuit out of Grandma stitched with bits from the court liason crone, and that the movie DIDN’T end with Robin Williams’s character wearing his ex-wife’s skin to slaughter the remaining members of his family before fleeing to some tropical getaway in the company of Aunt Jack.  But I suppose the PG-13 rating may have had something to do with it.

Come to think, I could just as easily see Mrs. Doubtfire ending like Schramm.

FACEBOOK: Politicians


Whenever some politician begins an appeal to time-honored tradition and the collective judgement of the American People, all that follows for me is a dial tone.

Just once I’d love to hear someone appeal to the time-honored traditions of slaughtering one’s enemy, raping his wife, enslaving his children, and devouring his livestock.  That guy would definitely get my vote, because at least I’d know he was consistent.

(Note to self: avoid making enemies.)

FACEBOOK: Queen Christina


I would give my left nut (if I had one) to see Eva Green star in a remake of Queen Christina, with Michael Hurst directing.  (Raimi/Tapert’s pal, not the showrunner of Vikings.)

I’m half-convinced the woman is the reincarnation of Greta Garbo anyway, and Hurst’s every-scene-as-a-tableau approach would be the perfect compliment to Eva’s (dazzling!) on-screen presence.

The only person I’d trust to oversee such a project?  Frank Miller.  Something tells me the man is a Garbo fan anyway.

Oh, the world would collapse under the weight of so much awesomeness!

Spam I’d Like to See


My roommates step-mother’s second-cousin’s third ex-wife once sat next to a man on a bus whose Great Aunt Addie’s daughter-in-law’s best friend was married to a man whose identical twin’s gay lover’s hairdresser’s neighbor makes $250,000 an hour surfing the Internet.

I don’t know his secret. 😦  If I did, I’d share it.