Why Men Are Refusing to Work With Women:
When Childhood Meets Feminism:
I’m just going to have my kid start identifying as a girl.
He’ll be safer this way.
For the record, I am all in favor of allowing the clergy to have LGBTQIAPKLMNOP sex. But the Pope has never asked my opinion, and God appears to have blocked me on Twitter.
My birthday is coming up, but rather than hopping on the Facebook fundraiser bandwagon, I’d like to do things a little differently.
Instead of asking you to throw pocket change at a charity of my choosing (top candidate = stopabductions.com), I’m asking you to keep your money in your pocket and get up off your ass — unless you’re in a wheelchair — and actually DO something to help make the world a slightly better place.
It doesn’t have to be anything major: treat a friend to lunch, or surprise them with a little gift. Offer your seat on the Metro to someone who looks tired. Pick up trash you find along the beach instead of posting a picture of it to Instagram. Pick up the phone and call an aging relative, just to let them know you care. Fact check before reposting.
Or if you really want to spend a bit of cash (and aren’t bothered by the fact that kindness is not tax deductible), try offering limited financial assistance to an ACTUAL human being in need — covering the cost of a prescription refill, hearing aid, groceries, etc. Even if your offer is declined, the spirit of it will not go unappreciated.
I have decided to invent the Elementary Child Excuse Maker, a handheld device that will enable a child to choose among a number of practical, pre-recorded responses to any and all forms of adult inquiry.
With selections ranging from the traditional “I didn’t know any better,” to the contemporary “I need more reminders” and the ultra-hip “Maybe YOU need to work on your communication skills” — and boasting such features as Volume Control, Attitude Adjustment, and Nonverbal Effects (gagging noises and the like) — the Elementary Child Excuse Maker is the perfect gift for the sagacious child who is tired of having to repeat himself to those pesky adults in his life.
(To come in rude red and obnoxious orange. INVEST TODAY!)
I am going to provide the CIA recordings of my child’s Pokemon orations — in exchange for a generous helping of taxpayer $$$ — to be used in interrogating the world’s most hardened terrorists. Just ten minutes of this shit is enough to make a man’s balls shrivel up and leave him quivering in a state of abject horror, begging for mercy in the form of a transfer to some cozy Jordanian prison.
When evil corporations dabble in bio-organic weapons technology, no one wins.
Which is why both houses of Congress ought to pass a resolution declaring that the U.S. will NOT stand idly by while B.O.W.s continue falling into the clutches of evil corporations, terrorists, and former Soviet states.
At the very least, such a resolution would vastly elevate us in the eyes of the Japanese (perhaps to the extent that they build us some sort of giant killer-robot guardian — like the Statue of Liberty, only better), send Lil’ Kim (the one in North Korea) scrambling after samples of fictitious video game pathogens, and throw the Kremlin into a state of “disorganization” — because creating a race of genetically-mutated super-soldiers is the primary objective of EVERY Russian science project.