MY FELLOW AMERICANS:
I would like to come out and say that I support the idea of building a wall.
I just don’t think building it along our southern border is economically feasible or particularly desirable.
Instead, I support building a wall around California and Oregon.
Now I realize full well that this will mean making a few sacrifices.**
But I stand prepared to make these sacrifices in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity — because I am an American. 🇺🇸
Now, some of you may have reservations about building teh Wall because of what excommunicating these two (2) states will mean for our nation’s flag.
My fellow Americans, rest assured that I have no intention of violating the aesthetic balance of our society’s supremely sacred symbol. That would be sacrilege — possibly treason.
Instead, I submit that we grant statehood to Puerto Rico and Canada, which for too long have gone without representation in our nation’s capital. Puerto Rico has long sought statehood anyway, only to be met with the inescapable reality that fifty-one (51) stars would look HORRIBLE on our flag. And Canada has simply been too polite to ask.
My fellow Americans, our entire way of life is under attack by a savage people who wish to deprive good honest Americanfolk of our jarbs,*** our straws, and our children’s party favors. Now is not the time to be divided by petty bickering and partisan politics, but to COME TOGETHER and BUILD TEH WALL.
Because in the words of United States senator Benjamin Franklin (following the Union victory at Fort Sumter):
“United we stand. Divided we fall.”
I am going to make California pay for teh Wall.
** I have seven (7) friends in California and three in Oregon. Plus their respective wives and dogs. But freedom isn’t free.
*** Google ‘California exodus’