We fired my mom today. She heard the TNG theme and thought it was from Star Wars.
Now accepting resumes from qualified individuals. Must be armed and dangerous, possess the maternal instincts of Ellen Ripley and the survival skills of Sarah Connor. Experience operating heavy machinery (loaders, hydraulic presses, galaxy-class starships) a plus.
Single white female seeks devilishly handsome male with long, dark hair and good metabolism for serious relationship / marriage. Tattoo sleeves are a plus.
Must enjoy reading, survival horror, metal, and Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Should be good with kids, have graduated high school, and possess the ability to maintain a steady full-time job. Must also pass a background investigation and be willing to submit to potential drug / STD / IQ testing.
I would mention something about how he ought to view personal hygiene as an end in itself, but I think that would just be pressing my luck.