Elastigirl

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My kid’s taken to calling me “Elastigirl” because: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

In regard to my stretchy skin:

“Look on the bright side: People can play with you.  I don’t mean play with you like you’re a person.  I mean play with you like you’re a thing.”

My kid says the damnedest things. 😐

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The Damnedest Advice

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Playing LEGO LOTR with my kid.🎮  (Terrible game, by the way.) 👎

My kid runs off to chase a fish, 🐟and I’m stuck climbing to the top of some fucking mountain. 🌋

I get up there, only to find myself under attack by this giant fiery 🔥dude — and my sword ⚔️ is out of ammo. 😧

Meanwhile, my kid’s still chasing after the fish. 🙄

“What the hell am I supposed to do?!” I ask. 😬

“Survive,” he tells me. 😐

My kid gives the damnedest advice. 🤨

My Kid Says the Damnedest Things

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(01/03/18):

“Some people think Peppermint Patty is a girl.”


Watching a video about mammals (01/10/18):

“Aaaah, Mommy!  That sheep just POOPED OUT ANOTHER ONE!”


(02/08/18):

“How come everybody wants to mindhack Captain Picard?”


Playing with lego starships (04/06/18):

“Captain, there’s a space-time continuum!”

“Oh, no! Prepare to open fire!”


(06/28/18):

“So how come [relative] is getting a colonoscopy?  He lose his keys or something?”


(08/07/18):

“I don’t think Grandma has any money.  I think she depends on Grandpa.  I think she’s using him to get groceries.”

TRANSLATION: “Grandma never carries cash, and Grandpa went grocery shopping last week because Grandma hurt her foot.”


(08/14/18):

“Don’t you lose your kidneys when you give birth?  Or is it when you get married?”


(08/22/18):

“I’m not just good; I’m frickin’ good.”


(08/22/18):

“They should sell lives at the store.  I’m talking about immortality, not slavery.”


Grandpa goes over a speed bump, instead of around it (08/23/18):

“And he faces it like a man!”


(08/23/18):

“Do you know what I’m gonna get you for your next birthday, Grandma?  A life.”


(09/09/18):

“If I was a prisoner, I’d want to be alone in my bed.”

FACEBOOK: Rice or Pasta

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ME: “Would you like rice [with lunch]?”

MY KID: “Yes.”

ME: “•••• — rice? Are you sure?”

MY KID: “Yes!”

ME: “••••, what would you like for lunch?”

MY KID: “Rice!!”

[a few minutes later]:

ME: “••••, lunch is ready!”

MY KID: “Hey… I wanted pasta!”

ME: “You said you wanted RICE.”

MY KID: “But I MEANT pasta!”