My Kid, the Cannibal


[My Kid]: “What’s the best part of a person?”

Me: “It depends on the person.”

[My Kid]: “I meant TO EAT.”


FACEBOOK: Rice or Pasta


ME: “Would you like rice [with lunch]?”

MY KID: “Yes.”

ME: “•••• — rice? Are you sure?”

MY KID: “Yes!”

ME: “••••, what would you like for lunch?”

MY KID: “Rice!!”

[a few minutes later]:

ME: “••••, lunch is ready!”

MY KID: “Hey… I wanted pasta!”

ME: “You said you wanted RICE.”

MY KID: “But I MEANT pasta!”


My Kid Said the Damnedest Things



“Do you like Star Trek?  I wanna watch Star Trek.  I’m gonna go poop first, and then we can watch Star Trek.”


“Where did I come from? Did you build me?”


“Is Christopher Columbus a pirate or something?”


“That’s okay; I’ll just pee in the shower.”

After watching 2001 A Space Odyssey (08/18/15):

“I loved that movie! But why did the aliens turn that guy into a zombie baby at the end?”


“People say I look just like you, so that means I’m a Dude Looks Like a Lady!”


“When I grow up, I’m going to be a superhero.  I’m going to call myself THE FLASHER.”


“I’m not responsible for my bad behavior because I’m farting.”

On Moby Dick (08/20/17):

“How do you bring a whale to justice?”


“Are hippies people?”