🦋How to Be a Bigot🦄

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Have you ever wanted to be a bigot? 🤔

Have you ever thought, “Wish I could add my name to the list of people who’ve been accused of ableism, misogyny, and other popular forms of bigotry, only I’m too gosh-darned indifferent to the affairs of others and have this terribly-fucking-annoying habit of perceiving individual human entities”? 😔

Well, now you can!!!! 😮😃👍

🦋 TELL ME MOAR 🦋

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Song I Did Write

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I wanna taste your cookies
Everybody says they’re nice
Can you come and bake some after PTA tonight?
They tell me they’re soft and warm and easy to chew
I can hardly wait to eat those cookies too

You wanna bake your cookies all the time
To bake them and not share them is a crime
You say your recipe’s clever and so quick
But I think that your batter’s mighty thick

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

I wanna bet your cookies ain’t as tasty as mine
I don’t premix the batter or guess the bake time
My cookies are the cutest sweets that you’ve ever seen
Compared to mine your cookies taste so store-bought and lean

I bring my cookies everywhere I go (on nom)
To dance recitals, soccer, tae kwon do
You say your recipe’s clever and so quick
But I think that the batter kind of sticks

Om nom

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

I turn into a monster when I’m ready to eat
My mouth is always hungry for a big chunk of sweet
So lay your little cookies right next to mine
Serve them up with milk after dinner time

My cookies are the hippest thing around (om nom)
They’ve always been the talk of the town
You say your recipe’s clever and so quick
But I think that your batter’s mighty thick (om nom, baby!)

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

Allergen-Free Chocolate Brownies

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BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I have uncovered the secret to lowfat, gluten-free, nut-free, egg-free, chocolate brownie deliciousness!!!!!!!!!!

STEP ONE:
Procure one box of Betty Crocker Gluten-Free Chocolate Brownie Mix.

STEP TWO:
Heat oven to 325 degrees.

STEP THREE:
Pour into large red-heart-shaped bowl.  Add 1/4 cup of water.  Stir until moistened.

STEP FOUR:
Add 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce.  Mix well.

STEP FIVE:
Pour in square non-stick pan.  Spread evenly.

STEP SIX:
Bake approximately 36-41 minutes.

STEP SEVEN:
Remove from oven; allow to cool.

STEP EIGHT:
Cut into quarters for glutton-sized portions at 440 calories apiece.
(NOTE: skip this step if you lack self-restraint.)

STEP NINE:
Binge.

STEP TEN:
Cry.

STEP ELEVEN:
Repeat process.  Try adding a bit of peppermint extract for complexity.