Jelly Bean Amendment

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I can’t be alone in wanting a Constitutional amendment restricting the sale of jelly beans to persons under the age of twenty-one.

This would allow for the creation of a new regulatory agency — one that would work closely with local law enforcement once the individual states have passed the necessary possession laws.

There’d be, like, grocery-store cops.  And no more late-night candy binges.

Who’s my congresswomanmanperson again?

FACEBOOK: Shuwa Shuwa

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OH, COLA! SUPER-HAPPY SUPER COLA IS SUPER NOBEL RELLY!

…Seriously, the Japanese make the most epic candy. I especially love it when the back of the bag contains instructions on how to insert it into your mouth. (You know, on the off-chance that it should fall into the hands of an American.)

All that’s missing is a sparklely-eyed panda that coos at you while you eat. Or perhaps that’s what the “shuwa shuwa powder” (???) is in there for.

FACEBOOK: Infected

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Not sure whether there are Las Plagas in my prostate or if I’m suffering from T-Virus of the spleen.

Or I suppose I could be in the early stages of a T-Veronica relapse.  My last confirmed T-Veronica infection was in late October and resulted in the temporary growth of some very fairy-like wings… not to mention a murderous disposition toward Sour Patch Kids.

I’m just hoping this isn’t the G-Virus, which has been known to cause dry eye and rapid weight gain in biologically-susceptible individuals and can only be cured with napalm.