I can’t be alone in wanting a Constitutional amendment restricting the sale of jelly beans to persons under the age of twenty-one.
This would allow for the creation of a new regulatory agency — one that would work closely with local law enforcement once the individual states have passed the necessary possession laws.
There’d be, like, grocery-store cops. And no more late-night candy binges.
Who’s my congresswomanmanperson again?
Peanuts + Adult Gummy Multivitamin = PB & J
OH, COLA! SUPER-HAPPY SUPER COLA IS SUPER NOBEL RELLY!
…Seriously, the Japanese make the most epic candy. I especially love it when the back of the bag contains instructions on how to insert it into your mouth. (You know, on the off-chance that it should fall into the hands of an American.)
All that’s missing is a sparklely-eyed panda that coos at you while you eat. Or perhaps that’s what the “shuwa shuwa powder” (???) is in there for.
Not sure whether there are Las Plagas in my prostate or if I’m suffering from T-Virus of the spleen.
Or I suppose I could be in the early stages of a T-Veronica relapse. My last confirmed T-Veronica infection was in late October and resulted in the temporary growth of some very fairy-like wings… not to mention a murderous disposition toward Sour Patch Kids.
I’m just hoping this isn’t the G-Virus, which has been known to cause dry eye and rapid weight gain in biologically-susceptible individuals and can only be cured with napalm.