Women in Refrigerators

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Horrible dream last night:

Garth Ennis was being persecuted by feminists, because feminists are real.  Unlike the majority of the enemies that populate my dreamscape, which only exist in my imagination and are generally welcome to have a go at me.

Feminists, on the other hand, are not welcome anywhere.

For therapeutic purposes — and as a helpful guide for anyone looking to prioritize — I’ve started compiling a list of women I would like to see in refrigerators:

1. Lena Dunham
2. Kathleen Hanna
3. Emma Watson
4. Gloria Steinem
5. Gail Simone

Naturally, Gloria Steinem appears on this list, outranked by Emma Watson, because Gloria does not require Emma’s ideological rubber stamp of approval.  Gail Simone only ranks fifth, because nobody remembers who the fuck she is anyway.  Numbers 1 & 2 require no further explanation.

But lest I be accused of misogyny (yet again), here is a list of womyn I would like to see score their own monthly titles with DC Comics:

1. Triggered Feminist
2. That racist, pink-haired New York Times editor who could have taught Adolf Hitler a thing or two about intolerance
3. Wil Wheaton, aka “Anne

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FACEBOOK: Women in Refrigerators

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If someone wants to view the world through gender goggles then that’s their business, but I imagine it must make for a rather sad and unfulfilling existence.

And instead of criticising violence against women in mature-label comics books (and related media), how about coming out in support of REAL victims (+/- vaginas) of ACTUAL violence?

I guarantee people living under the constant threat of ISIS butchery don’t sit around arguing about the shot that shattered Barbara Gordon’s spine (28 years after the fact) or about The Killing Joke being made into an R-rated feature. And when they hear the term “women in refrigerators” what comes to mind is neither “gender violence” nor Green Lantern comics from the mid nineties, but whether their wives and daughters can be accounted for, and how long it’s been since they’ve seen the neighbors.

FACEBOOK: I Like Being a Mom

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Having a first grader in the house sure is tops, baby.  I mean, who else is about to listen to me lecture ad nauseum on Batman villains or be blown away by the suggestion that absent the paternal guidence of one Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne could have easily become Gotham City’s answer to Lex Luthor?

If I didn’t have a kid of my own, I’ve no doubt the local vice squad would be keeping tabs on me for loitering in front of elementary schools: “Pssst… hey, kid… you like Batman?  Huh?  The Dark Knight, yeah?  Ever read a pre-Final Crisis Detective Comic?  No, don’t look ’round, don’t look ’round.

FACEBOOK: Reboots

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When WILL they learn? “Rebooting” a fictional universe for its own sake is a categorically awful idea that inevitably leads to an alienated fan base and (following the initial hype), significant drops in sales. We saw this with New X-Men, JLA, The New 52 (*shudder*) — basically anything Grant Morrisson dips his grubby little fingers into.  (I’m amazed anyone’s still willing to hire the shmuck.)

You want to redefine a title for a new generation?  Leave that to visionaries like Frank Miller, Alan Moore, Dan Jurgens, Jeph Loeb, Garth Ennis, Chris Claremont, William Messner-Loebs… y’know, writers who value the integrity of the story over what’s hip, whose works are as “big” (as Jim Gordon would say) as the charactors they transformed into legend.

FACEBOOK: The Dark Knight

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Few would argue that any Batman writer has ever understood the Dark Night (et alia) better than Frank Miller.  Yet looking back over the years, I have to say that Jeph Loeb comes a close second. And while there are panels from Dark Knight Returns that make me want to kneel, I have to say that The Long Halloween remains my favorite Batman story, and indeed one of the greatest ever told — the 20th century’s answer to Oedipus the King.