Women in Refrigerators

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Horrible dream last night:

Garth Ennis was being persecuted by feminists, because feminists are real.  Unlike the majority of the enemies that populate my dreamscape, which only exist in my imagination and are generally welcome to have a go at me.

Feminists, on the other hand, are not welcome anywhere.

For therapeutic purposes — and as a helpful guide for anyone looking to prioritize — I’ve started compiling a list of women I would like to see in refrigerators:

1. Lena Dunham
2. Kathleen Hanna
3. Emma Watson
4. Gloria Steinem
5. Gail Simone

Naturally, Gloria Steinem appears on this list, outranked by Emma Watson, because Gloria does not require Emma’s ideological rubber stamp of approval.  Gail Simone only ranks fifth, because nobody remembers who the fuck she is anyway.  Numbers 1 & 2 require no further explanation.

But lest I be accused of misogyny (yet again), here is a list of womyn I would like to see score their own monthly titles with DC Comics:

1. Triggered Feminist
2. That racist, pink-haired New York Times editor who could have taught Adolf Hitler a thing or two about intolerance
3. Wil Wheaton, aka “Anne

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Facebook: Monotremes

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Anyone who would consider monotremes “primitive” mammals has clearly never suffered the indignities of pregnancy or GERD.  Platypodes in particular have special abilities the rest of us can only dream of — including the ability to commune directly with the Force.

If I ever realize my dream of having a pet platypus, I’m going to call him Obi-Wan.  He’ll reside in ••••’s bathroom and wear little booties around the house until he can be trained to shank only intruders and sworn enemies.

FACEBOOK: Politicians

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Whenever some politician begins an appeal to time-honored tradition and the collective judgement of the American People, all that follows for me is a dial tone.

Just once I’d love to hear someone appeal to the time-honored traditions of slaughtering one’s enemy, raping his wife, enslaving his children, and devouring his livestock.  That guy would definitely get my vote, because at least I’d know he was consistent.

(Note to self: avoid making enemies.)