BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I have uncovered the secret to lowfat, gluten-free, nut-free, egg-free, chocolate brownie deliciousness!!!!!!!!!!
Procure one box of Betty Crocker Gluten-Free Chocolate Brownie Mix.
Heat oven to 325 degrees.
Pour into large red-heart-shaped bowl. Add 1/4 cup of water. Stir until moistened.
Add 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce. Mix well.
Pour in square non-stick pan. Spread evenly.
Bake approximately 36-41 minutes.
Remove from oven; allow to cool.
Cut into quarters for glutton-sized portions at 440 calories apiece.
(NOTE: skip this step if you lack self-restraint.)
Repeat process. Try adding a bit of peppermint extract for complexity.
I would like to go on the record as saying that I only wish more people would “go gluten free.” The gluten-free craze has led to a wider variety of tastier and cheaper gluten-free foods being made available on grocery store shelves. In many instances, manufacturers take into account that food allergies and intolerances will frequently come in clusters (I’m gluten / soy protein / egg albumin; my son is cashews-pistachios-hazelnuts), so they’ll do their damndest to put out products that appeal to a wide array of consumers. (Snyder’s of Hanover makes everything-friendly pretzels which are absolutely godly.)
It’s becoming what the low-carb craze was ten years ago, and I dread to think what may happen if or when it loses momentum. Up until quite recently, every gluten-free packaged food with the exception of rice pasta (corn pasta ❤ was not yet around) tasted like cardboard. And the thought of not being able to enjoy the foods I’ve grown used to is almost enough to put me into a Y2K mindset. Hell, I’ve been buying corn thins by the half-dozen ever since Simply Organic discontinued our baking mix. Last night at Wegman’s, my four-year-old went so far as to tell me that I had to eat what we had at home before we could buy any more. (I need my fucking corn cakes!) And don’t even get me started on chicken fingers and egg-free salad dressings (I collect them).
I see no problem if someone wants to cut something out of their diet, but it pisses me off to no end when (A) they get all sanctimonious about it and (B) they fabricate a medical condition to go along with their decision.
That being said, this gluten-free craze is quite convenient, as far as grocery-stores go. Have you see the gluten-free aisle at Wegman’s? It’s spectacular! The variety, quality, availability, and price tags of packaged gluten-free foods have improved tremendously over the years. The gluten-free gimmick has proven itself profitable to both manufactures and distributors, but if people quit diagnosing themselves with celiac disease (or actually bother Googling ‘gluten’ to find out what it is), the hopes and dreams of the 6% will be shattered. :’-(
But the Gluten-Free restaurant gimmick is something else entirely. Restaurant employees know full well that the majority of people on gluten-free diets do not have a medical reason for it, so no one seems to give a flying fuck about avoiding cross-contamination. Far worse, you’d be amazed how often a manager will admit that they sneak in “just a little bit” of flour — “for the pan” — or “just a touch of soy-sauce” for flavor.