FACEBOOK: Rice or Pasta

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ME: “Would you like rice [with lunch]?”

MY KID: “Yes.”

ME: “•••• — rice? Are you sure?”

MY KID: “Yes!”

ME: “••••, what would you like for lunch?”

MY KID: “Rice!!”

[a few minutes later]:

ME: “••••, lunch is ready!”

MY KID: “Hey… I wanted pasta!”

ME: “You said you wanted RICE.”

MY KID: “But I MEANT pasta!”

 

Song I Did Write

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I wanna taste your cookies
Everybody says they’re nice
Can you come and bake some after PTA tonight?
They tell me they’re soft and warm and easy to chew
I can hardly wait to eat those cookies too

You wanna bake your cookies all the time
To bake them and not share them is a crime
You say your recipe’s clever and so quick
But I think that your batter’s mighty thick

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

I wanna bet your cookies ain’t as tasty as mine
I don’t premix the batter or guess the bake time
My cookies are the cutest sweets that you’ve ever seen
Compared to mine your cookies taste so store-bought and lean

I bring my cookies everywhere I go (on nom)
To dance recitals, soccer, tae kwon do
You say your recipe’s clever and so quick
But I think that the batter kind of sticks

Om nom

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

I turn into a monster when I’m ready to eat
My mouth is always hungry for a big chunk of sweet
So lay your little cookies right next to mine
Serve them up with milk after dinner time

My cookies are the hippest thing around (om nom)
They’ve always been the talk of the town
You say your recipe’s clever and so quick
But I think that your batter’s mighty thick (om nom, baby!)

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

I wanna try your cookies make some for me
Let me taste your cookies, bake them for me
Cool down your cookies, serve them to me
I want to eat your cookies, feed them to me

Prenatal Puritanism

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I was a complete 100% purist about everything I consumed during my pregnancy.  No caffeine, no nicotine, no alcohol (not a drinker, so it wasn’t a problem), no medications (not even tylenol), only pasteurized eggs, organic whenever possible, no sushi, no tuna, no lunchmeats, no feta cheese, no artificial sweeteners/colors/flavorings/whatever — you name it, if there was any hint of a suggestion I should avoid it, I would have dropped it in a heartbeat.

The only thing I refused to surrender was restlessly dying my hair, which some people found hypocritical.  (It’s not like I was “sampling” the stuff, than you very much!) The fact that I was doing all these other things for myself and my fetus seemed to slip completely under the radar.

When my boss’s boss finally asked what I would do if the baby came out with blue hair and skin, I shrugged and replied, “Exploit him over the Internet.  Charge admission.  Why, what would you do?”  (He found this hilarious and let me keep the color.)

While the science on most (if not all) of the above is a little bit shaky, I’m pretty sure that if you’re eating a crappy diet AND regularly consuming caffeine / alcohol / raw eggs / OTC medications during your cigarette breaks, there’s a pretty good chance the baby WILL come out with blue skin (if not the hair).  Fortunately, most woman have sound enough judgement to decide for themselves what lifestyle modifications their pregnancy calls for.  And if they can’t figure it out on their own, that’s what prenatal care is for.