If my kid ever becomes one o’ them trans-sexshuals, or one o’ them homo-sexshuals, or a Democrat, it’ll be because I let him wear his hair down to his collar.

Which is almost enough to persuade me to let Grandpa take him for a haircut.  (I’d never forgive myself if my child grew up to become a Democrat.)

Personal Ad


Single white female seeks devilishly handsome male with long, dark hair and good metabolism for serious relationship / marriage.  Tattoo sleeves are a plus.

Must enjoy reading, survival horror, metal, and Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Should be good with kids, have graduated high school, and possess the ability to maintain a steady full-time job. Must also pass a background investigation and be willing to submit to potential drug / STD / IQ testing.

I would mention something about how he ought to view personal hygiene as an end in itself, but I think that would just be pressing my luck.

Prenatal Puritanism


I was a complete 100% purist about everything I consumed during my pregnancy.  No caffeine, no nicotine, no alcohol (not a drinker, so it wasn’t a problem), no medications (not even tylenol), only pasteurized eggs, organic whenever possible, no sushi, no tuna, no lunchmeats, no feta cheese, no artificial sweeteners/colors/flavorings/whatever — you name it, if there was any hint of a suggestion I should avoid it, I would have dropped it in a heartbeat.

The only thing I refused to surrender was restlessly dying my hair, which some people found hypocritical.  (It’s not like I was “sampling” the stuff, than you very much!) The fact that I was doing all these other things for myself and my fetus seemed to slip completely under the radar.

When my boss’s boss finally asked what I would do if the baby came out with blue hair and skin, I shrugged and replied, “Exploit him over the Internet.  Charge admission.  Why, what would you do?”  (He found this hilarious and let me keep the color.)

While the science on most (if not all) of the above is a little bit shaky, I’m pretty sure that if you’re eating a crappy diet AND regularly consuming caffeine / alcohol / raw eggs / OTC medications during your cigarette breaks, there’s a pretty good chance the baby WILL come out with blue skin (if not the hair).  Fortunately, most woman have sound enough judgement to decide for themselves what lifestyle modifications their pregnancy calls for.  And if they can’t figure it out on their own, that’s what prenatal care is for.