Hyperbole and a Half Book

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Most exciting Christmas present of 2013: Hyperbole and a Half book.

I love Allie Brosh’s blog, and her new book was everything I hoped it would be and more.  From my Amazon.com Review:

I was initially very excited to have received this from myself for Christmas (thanks, self!) only now I feel as if Allie has failed me.

I cannot communicate the sheer excitement and wonder I felt to be finally holding this book in my hands.  Despite having a family that obviously expected to spend some time with me on Christmas Day, I found myself holed up in my bedroom (and at times, the bathroom), unable to put this @#$ @#$! book down.  I finished it in one sitting.

Afterwards, I felt empty inside.  Empty because I’d enjoyed this book so much, a book I’d promised myself I would enjoy one chapter at a time, savoring the delightful anecdotes and sage reflections which originally drew me into Allie’s blog and have kept me coming back for more — hungrily… like, velociraptor hungrily — ever since.  Instead, I yielded all self-control and ended up binging on this work.

If my brain were like a dog and I had the option of regurgitating the experience of this book and then re-ingesting my own brain-spew, I would do so over and over and over again.  However, my brain is not like a dog, and even if this were a possibility, I imagine it could only be accomplished a finite number of times before my brain completely turned to mush.

Which brings me back to my original point: that I feel Allie has in some way failed me.  No, I take that back; the truth is that she has failed us all.

It’s downright cruel to force someone to transition from the highly pleasurable state of Reading This Book to the dull and empty state of No Longer Reading This Book.  True, Hyperbole and a Half can and most certainly will be read over and over and over again, but the effect just isn’t quite the same.  It’s the difference between meeting someone new and exciting (before the novelty of it wears off and you discover they were lying about their marital status) and visiting old friends.  You’d better believe I’ll be revisiting this book, but I still want more.  From Allie Brosh.  A Part Two.  NOW.

If Allie truly cared about her fans, she would have found some means of communicating with her future self (like, her super-distant future self — from so far into the future that half her organs are made of synthetic materials and the other half have been cloned from canine stem cells), instructing her future self to send all future volumes of the Hyperbole and a Half book series back in time to Christmas 2013 so that they may be enjoyed sequentially and without delay, thus sparing us the dreadful inconvenience of waiting for Allie to write material before we can read it.

But Allie didn’t do this.  Thus, she has failed.  Which means that she must not truly love us — or that her future self does not have access to a time machine and/or synthetic canine organs with which to preserve her life indefinitely (or at least until time machines have been invented).  But that is a possibility I refuse to accept.

I’m rating this book five stars, because that’s the lowest rating I can give… right??

If you’ve yet to visit Hyperbole and a Half, there is likely something very wrong with you, or else you are probably new to the Internet (and to civilization in general).  Whatever your personal shortcoming, it can be rectified by immediately clicking here to visit Allie’s most recent anecdote about the awesome destructive power of dinosaurs… and of four-year-olds, for that matter.

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