FACEBOOK: 2020

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•••• wants me to be the next President of the United States.  I said I’d take the job, but only if I’d get to blow up North Korea and pay the Japanese to upgrade the Statue of Liberty into a giant killer-robot guardian of American interests abroad.

•• said ‘no’ on both counts, because “I don’t want you starting any wars.”

For the record, I will NOT be running for President in the year 2020.  The whole checks and balances thing just isn’t for me.

FACEBOOK: Shuwa Shuwa

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OH, COLA! SUPER-HAPPY SUPER COLA IS SUPER NOBEL RELLY!

…Seriously, the Japanese make the most epic candy. I especially love it when the back of the bag contains instructions on how to insert it into your mouth. (You know, on the off-chance that it should fall into the hands of an American.)

All that’s missing is a sparklely-eyed panda that coos at you while you eat. Or perhaps that’s what the “shuwa shuwa powder” (???) is in there for.

FACEBOOK: Death Note Movie Remake

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Ugh, there’s going to be a new Death Note movie? As if the Japanese live-action films weren’t awful enough.

I just don’t get this obsession with maniacally adapting stories into every damned medium under the sun. Just wait ’til the Death Note Movie Novelization comes out (graphic or otherwise) as prelude to the launch of the weekly television series (live action or otherwise). And perhaps some truly scary creature will go so far as to novelize the inevitable video game(s) to follow.

Just look at the horror spawned by the Resident Evil movie franchise. (Sacrilage, I tell you!) Look what DC did to Vertigo — pimping her out to the networks like a two-dollar whore. And does anyone else remember those crappy “JP” comics from the 1990s? Topps nearly succeeded in turning those into a Saturday-morning cartoon.

Bottom line: those original stories ought to be treasured for the gems they truly are, let substance and style determine the means of delivery, and if a Death Note movie absolutely must be made, there could be no better Ryuk than Dee Snider.

FACEBOOK: Killer Robots Part II

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When evil corporations dabble in bio-organic weapons technology, no one wins.

Which is why both houses of Congress ought to pass a resolution declaring that the U.S. will NOT stand idly by while B.O.W.s continue falling into the clutches of evil corporations, terrorists, and former Soviet states.

At the very least, such a resolution would vastly elevate us in the eyes of the Japanese (perhaps to the extent that they build us some sort of giant killer-robot guardian — like the Statue of Liberty, only better), send Lil’ Kim (the one in North Korea) scrambling after samples of fictitious video game pathogens, and throw the Kremlin into a state of “disorganization” — because creating a race of genetically-mutated super-soldiers is the primary objective of EVERY Russian science project.