I will be voting for [candidate] because I am tired of American politics being dominated by a #duopoly that has strayed too far from the founding principles of our society.
I will be *enthusiastically* voting for [candidate] because I believe he represents these principles, and that if elected he will remain as accessible to the individual citizens of his district as he has throughout his campaign.
(TRUE FACT: The existence of the incumbent is not a media hoax.)
Make no mistake — [candidate] is not some radical third-party candidate looking to arbitrarily slash government spending and legalize everything short of murder. On the contrary, Mr. [candidate] is out to make our government operate more efficiently so we can all breathe a little easier.
How does he plan to accomplish this? Not with empty rhetoric, but by eliminating wasteful spending and redirecting the Federal Government’s focus to federal issues.
(Please refer to Porter4Us.com, particularly the sections marked ‘Fiscal Policy’ and ‘Government Reform’.)
Which is not to say that [candidate] is without a few radical views. He is, for instance, in favor of Congressional term limits. (Who will speak for our career politicians?!) 😱 Which is not nearly as startling as his belief that the Second Amendment remains in effect and somehow pertains to private gun ownership. (Wait, what??) 😱😱
But perhaps most radical of all is Mr. [candidate]’s position on Donald Trump. Directly from his website (TRIGGER WARNING):
“I will neither blindly support or oppose President Trump… I would stand up to President Trump when appropriate and support him on issues we agree on.” 😱😱😱
I will be voting for [candidate] in the upcoming election and hope you will too — if you aren’t too triggered by his radical views.
Notice to Catholics, Muslims,
Jews, and Hindus:
I have not been visited by representatives of your respective faiths this morning. I think you are being very lazy. 😤
But should you decide to go door to door, I would suggest you wait a while; I do believe a holy war is about to break out in the parking lot.
P.S. — BRING COMICS.
First ••, and now I too have fallen victim to the highly-infectious, genetically-engineered retrovirus that has been spreading like wildfire throughout the •••••••• area. Local medical personnel are evidently being coerced and/or bribed into perpetuating the myth that this is nothing more than a simple norovirus, but there are still a handful of us left who know the truth.
To those of you for whom hope yet remains: TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION! Forget the hand sanitizers — stock up on handguns! Don’t open the door for anyone, not even your own mother! And contrary to what the CDC may claim (as if they could ever know better than USAMRIID anyway), it is NOT enough to simply remove the heads of the infected and/or destroy our brains — you must then burn us down to ash. (According to Readers’ Digest, 4 out of 5 outbreak survivors recommend kerosene over regular-unleaded.)
Farewell, my friends! I fear we have once again entered the world of survival horror. Good luck!
I’ve always gotten a kick out of seeing ••••••• County portrayed in works of fiction, even though it’s pretty much the same damned deal each time, with only slight variances in detail: a suburb of shadowy goverment conspiracies, classified weapons programs and viral epidemics, where the illegal aliens who tend the lawns hail from places a LOT farther away than El Salvador (and even less hospitable to human life).
But is this seriously how the rest of the world sees us? And why doesn’t anyone ever factor in the traffic?
No fucking way Cancer Man gets to cruise down •• and make it on time to his 9:00 meeting with ET — ha! ha, i say! — and I don’t care how many millions are dead or infected with what-have-you: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ••••••• TRAFFIC. Anyone who’s ever lived here and witnessed the mass hysteria induced by a chance-of-snow forecast (“hey guys, let’s all leave work at the same time to stock up on milk and gasoline!”) will have to concede this point.