I want to bond with a duck-billed platypus. I would name him Obi Wan and keep him in little booties until he was properly trained to sting only intruders and sworn enemies.
I would take him on airplanes for emotional support and play the Trump Derangement Syndrome card if anyone tried to stop me.
“Some people think Peppermint Patty is a girl.”
Watching a video about mammals (01/10/18):
“Aaaah, Mommy! That sheep just POOPED OUT ANOTHER ONE!”
“How come everybody wants to mindhack Captain Picard?”
Playing with lego starships (04/06/18):
“Captain, there’s a space-time continuum!”
“Oh, no! Prepare to open fire!”
“So how come [relative] is getting a colonoscopy? He lose his keys or something?”
“I don’t think Grandma has any money. I think she depends on Grandpa. I think she’s using him to get groceries.”
TRANSLATION: “Grandma never carries cash, and Grandpa went grocery shopping last week because Grandma hurt her foot.”
“Don’t you lose your kidneys when you give birth? Or is it when you get married?”
“I’m not just good; I’m frickin’ good.”
“They should sell lives at the store. I’m talking about immortality, not slavery.”
Grandpa goes over a speed bump, instead of around it (08/23/18):
“And he faces it like a man!”
“Do you know what I’m gonna get you for your next birthday, Grandma? A life.”
“If I was a prisoner, I’d want to be alone in my bed.”
Anyone who would consider monotremes “primitive” mammals has clearly never suffered the indignities of pregnancy or GERD. Platypodes in particular have special abilities the rest of us can only dream of — including the ability to commune directly with the Force.
If I ever realize my dream of having a pet platypus, I’m going to call him Obi-Wan. He’ll reside in ••••’s bathroom and wear little booties around the house until he can be trained to shank only intruders and sworn enemies.