FACEBOOK: Mattress Cover


The pillow-topped mattress cover stands among the 21st century’s most nefarious inventions. Sure, it’s machine washable — only then it takes three and a half days’ worth of tumble drying (while you’re stuck reciting the necessary incantations out of the Necronomicon Ex Mortis in properly-accented Kandarian) before it’s ready to go back on.

Also, I’m about 40% certain that ••••’s is made out of human flesh. (It came to us from an old folks’ home, along with my grandmother’s haunted mattress.)

FACEBOOK: Shovel, Plz


I’m midway through a bio of Alexander Hamilton published half a century ago by an elderly scholar, and I’ve already had to look up so many words and archaic expressions that I’ve started making flashcards.

Someone lend me a shovel and a copy of Professor Knowby’s Necronomicon, cuz this guy’s a keeper.