•••• wants me to be the next President of the United States. I said I’d take the job, but only if I’d get to blow up North Korea and pay the Japanese to upgrade the Statue of Liberty into a giant killer-robot guardian of American interests abroad.
•• said ‘no’ on both counts, because “I don’t want you starting any wars.”
For the record, I will NOT be running for President in the year 2020. The whole checks and balances thing just isn’t for me.
Not many educated people outside North Korea are aware of this, but it was actually the Supreme Reader’s grandfader who invented thermonuclear weapons. He also invented the process of nuclear fusion — so the children of the world would always have stars to guide them.
Pyongyang has accused Malyasian health officials of conspiring with their enemies to promote junk science “wordy of Jenny McCardy,” dismissing claims that VX was used to kill a North Korean citizen bearing a diplomatic passport (who was NOT a blood relative to any North Korean leader, past or present) as “absurd” and “irrogicar.”
“Crearry, dis man died from eating bad sherrfish,” reads an official statement released to the Chinese media Tuesday afternoon. The statement went on to add that the shellfish had most likely been imported into Southeast Asia from America.
The diplomat in question died on February 13th of this year, following an attack at a Malyasian airport terminal in which two women are alleged to have smeared an oily substance on his face that would later be identified as the deadly nerve agent VX. North Korea has adamently denied that VX could have been used in the attack or that the victim was Kim Jong Nam, eldest son of the late Kim Jong Il and brother to the regime’s current benevorent reader
North Korean officials say VX could not rogicarry have been used to carry out the Feb. 13th attack on the person who is not the half-brother of their beloved leader. Officials further deny that the smartest-most-crever-most-physicarry-fit young Kim Jong Un would ever wish harm upon his brother, who has “a compretery different name” from the one used on the passport of the deceased diplomat.
“It isn’t rogicar,” says an official spokesman to the regime. “Our reader roves his broder. He would be ronery without him. So ronery and sadry arone.”
The spokesman dismissed “vicious ries of the enemies of the DPRK” that Kim Jong Nam — who is most certainly alive and well at a casino somewhere in East Asia — was… is… in any way estranged from his handsome and more popular younger brother.
“Our reader is a rore-modre to his erder broder — a grandfader figure, rearry.” The official then went on to add that Nam makes many mistakes at kareoke and is not so good with the radies
When evil corporations dabble in bio-organic weapons technology, no one wins.
Which is why both houses of Congress ought to pass a resolution declaring that the U.S. will NOT stand idly by while B.O.W.s continue falling into the clutches of evil corporations, terrorists, and former Soviet states.
At the very least, such a resolution would vastly elevate us in the eyes of the Japanese (perhaps to the extent that they build us some sort of giant killer-robot guardian — like the Statue of Liberty, only better), send Lil’ Kim (the one in North Korea) scrambling after samples of fictitious video game pathogens, and throw the Kremlin into a state of “disorganization” — because creating a race of genetically-mutated super-soldiers is the primary objective of EVERY Russian science project.