True Facts From Twitter:
“Some people think Peppermint Patty is a girl.”
Watching a video about mammals (01/10/18):
“Aaaah, Mommy! That sheep just POOPED OUT ANOTHER ONE!”
“How come everybody wants to mindhack Captain Picard?”
Playing with lego starships (04/06/18):
“Captain, there’s a space-time continuum!”
“Oh, no! Prepare to open fire!”
“So how come [relative] is getting a colonoscopy? He lose his keys or something?”
“I don’t think Grandma has any money. I think she depends on Grandpa. I think she’s using him to get groceries.”
TRANSLATION: “Grandma never carries cash, and Grandpa went grocery shopping last week because Grandma hurt her foot.”
“Don’t you lose your kidneys when you give birth? Or is it when you get married?”
“I’m not just good; I’m frickin’ good.”
“They should sell lives at the store. I’m talking about immortality, not slavery.”
Grandpa goes over a speed bump, instead of around it (08/23/18):
“And he faces it like a man!”
“Do you know what I’m gonna get you for your next birthday, Grandma? A life.”
“If I was a prisoner, I’d want to be alone in my bed.”
I am going to provide the CIA recordings of my child’s Pokemon orations — in exchange for a generous helping of taxpayer $$$ — to be used in interrogating the world’s most hardened terrorists. Just ten minutes of this shit is enough to make a man’s balls shrivel up and leave him quivering in a state of abject horror, begging for mercy in the form of a transfer to some cozy Jordanian prison.
Ten years ago I began making plans for when *I* would someday run for President of the United States. I believe my platforms were:
(1) Reduce American dependency on foreign oil: conquer Mexico and Venezuela
(2) Quit testing pharmaceuticals on animals and start testing on death row inmates
(3) Let’s just nuke the Middle East and let that cute goth chick from the Sandman comics sort everything out.
Just wanted to let everyone know that it’s still on. Vote for me in 2020. I promise the rallies will be epic.