FACEBOOK: Elementary Child Excuse Maker


I have decided to invent the Elementary Child Excuse Maker, a handheld device that will enable a child to choose among a number of practical, pre-recorded responses to any and all forms of adult inquiry.

With selections ranging from the traditional “I didn’t know any better,” to the contemporary “I need more reminders” and the ultra-hip “Maybe YOU need to work on your communication skills” — and boasting such features as Volume Control, Attitude Adjustment, and Nonverbal Effects (gagging noises and the like) — the Elementary Child Excuse Maker is the perfect gift for the sagacious child who is tired of having to repeat himself to those pesky adults in his life.

(To come in rude red and obnoxious orange. INVEST TODAY!)




I am going to provide the CIA recordings of my child’s Pokemon orations — in exchange for a generous helping of taxpayer $$$ — to be used in interrogating the world’s most hardened terrorists. Just ten minutes of this shit is enough to make a man’s balls shrivel up and leave him quivering in a state of abject horror, begging for mercy in the form of a transfer to some cozy Jordanian prison.