Identity Politics

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When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a black man.  I also wanted to be blind, because: Geordi LaForge.

When I was seven years old, I wanted to be a little boy.  I called myself ‘Mark’, and my parents let me get a butch haircut and dress in flannel.  (Don’t ask me to explain their reasoning.)

By age eight, I was some kind of genderless alien from the far reaches of our solar system.  (Not joke; birthday cake read “Happy Birthday Zoing”.)

By age nine, I had transitioned back to female because I wanted to be a tattooed biker chick named Skull.  But the only person who actually called me that was a second grader named T-Bone.  (Also not joke.)

I eventually decided I wanted to be an Amazon.  I just didn’t want to suffer the company of other females.

So if Cory Booker chooses to identify as Spartacus, Clarence Thomas needs to BACK THE FUCK OFF. 😤

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My Kid Says the Damnedest Things

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(01/03/18):

“Some people think Peppermint Patty is a girl.”


Watching a video about mammals (01/10/18):

“Aaaah, Mommy!  That sheep just POOPED OUT ANOTHER ONE!”


(02/08/18):

“How come everybody wants to mindhack Captain Picard?”


Playing with lego starships (04/06/18):

“Captain, there’s a space-time continuum!”

“Oh, no! Prepare to open fire!”


(06/28/18):

“So how come [relative] is getting a colonoscopy?  He lose his keys or something?”


(08/07/18):

“I don’t think Grandma has any money.  I think she depends on Grandpa.  I think she’s using him to get groceries.”

TRANSLATION: “Grandma never carries cash, and Grandpa went grocery shopping last week because Grandma hurt her foot.”


(08/14/18):

“Don’t you lose your kidneys when you give birth?  Or is it when you get married?”


(08/22/18):

“I’m not just good; I’m frickin’ good.”


(08/22/18):

“They should sell lives at the store.  I’m talking about immortality, not slavery.”


Grandpa goes over a speed bump, instead of around it (08/23/18):

“And he faces it like a man!”


(08/23/18):

“Do you know what I’m gonna get you for your next birthday, Grandma?  A life.”


(09/09/18):

“If I was a prisoner, I’d want to be alone in my bed.”