Identity Politics

0

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a black man.  I also wanted to be blind, because: Geordi LaForge.

When I was seven years old, I wanted to be a little boy.  I called myself ‘Mark’, and my parents let me get a butch haircut and dress in flannel.  (Don’t ask me to explain their reasoning.)

By age eight, I was some kind of genderless alien from the far reaches of our solar system.  (Not joke; birthday cake read “Happy Birthday Zoing”.)

By age nine, I had transitioned back to female because I wanted to be a tattooed biker chick named Skull.  But the only person who actually called me that was a second grader named T-Bone.  (Also not joke.)

I eventually decided I wanted to be an Amazon.  I just didn’t want to suffer the company of other females.

So if Cory Booker chooses to identify as Spartacus, Clarence Thomas needs to BACK THE FUCK OFF. 😤

My Kid Says the Damnedest Things

0

(01/03/18):

“Some people think Peppermint Patty is a girl.”


Watching a video about mammals (01/10/18):

“Aaaah, Mommy!  That sheep just POOPED OUT ANOTHER ONE!”


(02/08/18):

“How come everybody wants to mindhack Captain Picard?”


Playing with lego starships (04/06/18):

“Captain, there’s a space-time continuum!”

“Oh, no! Prepare to open fire!”


(06/28/18):

“So how come [relative] is getting a colonoscopy?  He lose his keys or something?”


(08/07/18):

“I don’t think Grandma has any money.  I think she depends on Grandpa.  I think she’s using him to get groceries.”

TRANSLATION: “Grandma never carries cash, and Grandpa went grocery shopping last week because Grandma hurt her foot.”


(08/14/18):

“Don’t you lose your kidneys when you give birth?  Or is it when you get married?”


(08/22/18):

“I’m not just good; I’m frickin’ good.”


(08/22/18):

“They should sell lives at the store.  I’m talking about immortality, not slavery.”


Grandpa goes over a speed bump, instead of around it (08/23/18):

“And he faces it like a man!”


(08/23/18):

“Do you know what I’m gonna get you for your next birthday, Grandma?  A life.”


(09/09/18):

“If I was a prisoner, I’d want to be alone in my bed.”

My Kid Said the Damnedest Things

0

(10/26/13):

“Do you like Star Trek?  I wanna watch Star Trek.  I’m gonna go poop first, and then we can watch Star Trek.”


(06/24/2014):

“Where did I come from? Did you build me?”


(11/03/2014):

“Is Christopher Columbus a pirate or something?”


(01/23/2015):

“That’s okay; I’ll just pee in the shower.”


After watching 2001 A Space Odyssey (08/18/15):

“I loved that movie! But why did the aliens turn that guy into a zombie baby at the end?”


(12/17/15):

“People say I look just like you, so that means I’m a Dude Looks Like a Lady!”


(06/18/2016):

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a superhero.  I’m going to call myself THE FLASHER.”


(04/24/17)

“I’m not responsible for my bad behavior because I’m farting.”


On Moby Dick (08/20/17):

“How do you bring a whale to justice?”


(09/29/17):

“Are hippies people?”

FACEBOOK: New Mom Wanted

0

We fired my mom today.  She heard the TNG theme and thought it was from Star Wars.

Now accepting resumes from qualified individuals.  Must be armed and dangerous, possess the maternal instincts of Ellen Ripley and the survival skills of Sarah Connor.  Experience operating heavy machinery (loaders, hydraulic presses, galaxy-class starships) a plus.