DMV

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My Honda Civic creates zero emissions.  Haven’t driven it since November of last year.

And yet I just got an email from the DMV stating that I need to get an emissions inspection by the end of October.

Like, WTF? 😱

Conclusion: The DMV hates both teh environment and the fact that I am not creating my share of emissions, which is why they are forcing me to appoint a surrogate to create emissions on my behalf. 😠

Also, the DMV is extremely ableist — or haven’t you noticed their practice of singling out cripples with that internationally-recognized (and highly inflammatory) symbol of hate?

I’m not about to stoop to making comparisons to Jim Crow or the Third Reich, but…

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STOP GLOBAL WARMING — TURN ON YOUR A/C

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In honor of Earth Day, which I have been informed (by my despair.com calendar) falls on next Thursday, I have decided to launch a campaign to combat global warming by way of encouraging everyone in America to turn on his/her air conditioning at the same time. The way I see it, this ought to at least cool down *part* of the globe, as it certainly works at cooling down *my* part of the globe, i.e., the interior of my house.

I have my work cut out for me. I just may have to call out sick tomorrow and get started:

Step One: Make some really cool looking graphics to post on message boards.

Step Two: Email Al Gore and ask for his endorsement.

Step Three: Crank up the AC and stop global warming in its tracks!!!!!!!!

On another note, I was thinking that the polar ice caps melting may not necessarily be such a bad thing. In fact, *intentionally* melting them may actually help with my mission of ending global warming by next Thursday. Think about it: when you add ice cubes to a warm (or room temperature) beverage and then chug it right away, the drink doesn’t really have a chance to cool down. It’s not until the ice begins melting that you can savor a refreshing iced beverage. Wouldn’t the same physics apply on a global scale? I think we should give it a shot. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe we’d lose California. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Maybe we could evacuate Anthony Kiedis before it happened. Maybe he could come live with me…