WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!

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I’ve just witnessed the most disgusting and depraved ‘funny” baby video I have ever seen on YouTube.  It’s so bad that I cannot even bring myself to post the link.  Only 37 seconds long, it makes the shitty baby video seem heartwarmingly adorable by comparison.

It begins with a spread-eagled, presumably EC’d baby being “pooped” by a woman (presumably mom) over an open diaper.  An older child of perhaps two is clearly distressed by this sight, and her mother laughs and jokes as the kid freaks the fuck out.  The cameraman (I’m assuming Dad) can be heard teasing the toddler in the background.

Both parents are clearly fascinated by the infant’s defecation, and only the two-year-old’s reaction suggests an iota of intelligence.  The parents cheer the shitting baby on while the little girl cries and holds some sort of surgical mask over the lower half of her face.  Dad then begins snarkily cheering on the little girl, encouraging her to stare at her baby sister’s private parts as the poop works its way out of the infant’s ass.

The video ends with a hairy, overweight old man appearing in the doorway in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts.  I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he’d paid for an hour with one (or both) of the children.

I’m not a fan of censorship, but I’m even LESS of a fan of children being victimized — especially by their own parents.  The baby may have been blissfully unaware of its surroundings, but the little girl was clearly being subjected to a sickening situation which her parental units seemed to find hilarious.  I reported the video to YouTube, though I’m sure it could be argued that it remains within their terms of service, as baby vag no longer seems to qualify as nudity these days — at least not on Facebook or Youtube.)

Why do people upload this shit?!  Do they find it cute?  Do they think it’s funny?  And don’t give me that, “We only put it up so Great Aunt Ethyl could enjoy these most-precious moments of our little snowflake’s existence.”  Aunt Ethyl doesn’t want to see that shit any more than the rest of us — unless the reason she can’t actually come and visit your snowflake Neveah (and witness these “precious moments” for herself) is that the State will not permit her within 50 yards of a child on account of her having previously viewed/filmed/directed/starred in “precious moments” of your first child (or someone else’s).

Besides, it doesn’t take uploading what is essentially child porn onto YouTube to keep in touch with friends and extended family.  That’s why we have Facebook — and STFU Parents.

NOTE: If you haven’t already bought Blair’s Book,  I highly recommended it as 101 on the world of parenting overshare via social media.  (There’s more to it than poop and baby vag; I promise.)

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Newborn Twins “Can’t Stop Hugging”

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Mixed thoughts on this video.  On the one hand, it’s pretty cute, and let’s face it — the only thing a newborn is actually good for (as far as social media is concerned) is looking cute.  Cute newborns are rare, so if these babies truly are twins, it makes them even more of a novelty.  However, as I continued watching I came to realize that the peaceful soundtrack does not match up with the actual content of the video.

These babies aren’t hugging; they’re being pressed into each other and grow increasingly uncomfortable as the video progresses.  Whenever the ‘nates attempt to reposition themselves, the ominous pair of hands holding the two presses them even more firmly together.  At 1:13, they begin to grow restless.  One look at their faces is enough to know that these babies are getting fussy, despite the ultra-calming “babies in nature” track playing in the background.  Mere seconds later, they attempt to push away from one another, only the hands are holding them firmly in place.

I finally started to get uncomfortable around 1:40, when the hands slowly begin to rotate the head and neck of the baby on the left as if to pose it, only the owner of the hands does not seem quite certain how they ought to pose the baby’s head.  I feel as if I’m watching a sculptor at work, only they are using living baby flesh instead of clay.

The hands finally opt for smooshing the heads of these two neonates together and then rotating the head of the one on the right to make it look as if it is kissing its sibling.  This baby keeps resisting, and the one on the left lets out a few good cries (at 2:15) before starting to kick.  The handling gets even more rough at this point, and you can see just how hard they are being held at 2:22, when the thumb of the left hand digs into Lefty’s fleshy little cheek.  The babies are now visibly struggling to break free from a missionary-like position.  (So much for “can’t stop hugging.”)

Just as the struggle begins to get interesting, the camera cuts away (2:26), and we’re back to peaceful-looking babies being pressed together… for all of ten seconds.  Now it’s Righty’s turn to show distress, and the hands do this really impressive smoosh-and-snatch move to get those babies the hell out of that bath:

STEP ONE: Establish firm grip on babies’ heads and necks.
STEP TWO: Smoosh & hold.
STEP THREE: Pressing both babies firmly together, lift as if they were a single unit.
STEP FOUR: Whoa, now!  Careful not to drop!  (There’s a mid-lift cut at 2:43.)
STEP FIVE: Set down upon towel.  Choose the baby whose cries of pain are most pleasing to your ears and bend back a limb of choice until you hear it snap.  Then, cover and dry, once again treating babies as a single unit.

Lefty is apparently a boy, by the way.  And something just tells me that Righty — whose leg appears to be broken by the handler exactly two seconds before the video *conveniently* comes to an end — to be a girl.  The more I watch of this now-viral video, the more ludicrous it seems.  Look, I totally get the urge to exploit neonates. They’re vulnerable, they’re not actually people, and they’re not even very interesting.  The consciousness of a newborn (or a young infant) is completely reflexive, governed by primitive instincts which are shed as the mind forms.   They’re essentially fetuses outside of the womb.  Plus, they shit and scream and eat, and then they shit and scream some more.  Your job is to look after them — feed them and change them and sometimes even poop for them.  They owe you for their continued existence, so why shouldn’t you come up with fun and creative ways to exploit them for fun (or even profit)?

But there’s a line you just don’t cross, and it seems to me that the French nurse who made this video (and apparently owns some sort of “infant spa” in France) seems to be dancing right up against it.  The sight of these two naked babies being forcibly held together makes my skin crawl.  The sexes of these babies are irrelevant (since neonates are gender and sexuality-free anyway), yet I’d argue that the manner in which they are being treated is indeed borderline sexual.

It’s one thing to bathe babies together.  It’s something else entirely to smear their bodies together and simulate affectionate gestures like hugging and kissing and who knows what else.  True, the babies are oblivious to what is actually be done to them; all they’re aware of is their own acute distress — if even that much.  But suppose these weren’t newborns being held and rubbed together.  Suppose this were being done with older babies, or with one older baby and its newborn sibling.  Suppose neither of these babies were siblings.  Would it still be cute and innocent fun then?  The manner of this simulated encounter makes me wonder if this “spa nurse” (or the parents) has some sort of an infant fetish.

And to allege that they would have behaved this way in the womb is highly inaccurate. These twins were clearly not monoamniotic, so the only flesh-to-flesh contact they might have had in the womb would have come from their umbilical cords touching/tangling together — if that much even counts.

Do I think what’s being done to these babies is wrong?  Of course not; their parents clearly sanctioned it, which is the only factor that should to be taken into account in dealing with neonates.  (They’re essentially just fetuses anyway.)  But I certainly do find this creepy, and the video is just ten times worse.  Odds are these babies will survive their infancy, see this video, and wish they hadn’t.

WTF Did I Just Watch?!

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What kind of a fucking moron records this shit?!  What kind of a fucking moron uploads this shit onto YouTube?! And for that matter, what kind of a fucking moron doesn’t know how to clean this shit up?!

This isn’t rocket science! It’s simple: you just snip the clothes off from top to bottom, hose the filthy newborn down with the shower head, and never let it go two days without defecating again.  And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, use antibacterial soap unless you’re planning to wash the shit off with 110-degree-plus water (which isn’t recommended).