FACEBOOK: Duck-Billed Bonding


I want to bond with a duck-billed platypus.  I would name him Obi Wan and keep him in little booties until he was properly trained to sting only intruders and sworn enemies.

I would take him on airplanes for emotional support and play the Trump Derangement Syndrome card if anyone tried to stop me.

FACEBOOK: Hour of the Spider


It was like something out of a nightmare.  Woke up last night to pee, looked in the mirror and ran my hand through my hair, when suddenly there appeared a glossy-black spider approximately the size of my thumbnail, scurrying down my hand.

I shrieked, slapped my hand against my leg and ripped off all my clothes, which are still in a pile just outside the bathroom door.  I then spent the next half-hour obsessively brushing my hair to make sure there weren’t any more spiders in there.  When I finally felt comfortable enough for clothes, I combed through my closet and drawers looking for something light-colored, but there wasn’t a goddamned thing to be found.

Murderous spider (black widow?) yet at large.

My Reactions to Common Dental Problems


Me last year, getting stung by a bee at the dentist’s office.

Earlier this year, upon learning my preschooler may have a cavity.
(Facepalm looks even better in HD)

Said preschooler refuses to cooperate with routine cleaning. Referred to a special dentist’s office for disturbed children.
(Didn’t even know they had those)

Last week, upon realizing that the red dental floss I’d
purchased from Target was in fact a shitty mint flavor
instead of the desired cinnamon — and it wasn’t even WAXED.

Late last night, upon getting Arm & Hammer’s Advanced Whitening Toothpaste (with baking soda & peroxide) IN MY FUCKING EYE.