Firearms vs Zombies


If guns were illegal, only criminals and zombies would own guns.  Because zombies do not care about the rule of law.

And if zombies had guns, the rest of us would be SO. INCREDIBLY. FUCKED.

Conclusion: It is better to be a criminal than get eaten by a zombie.

My Kid Said the Damnedest Things



“Do you like Star Trek?  I wanna watch Star Trek.  I’m gonna go poop first, and then we can watch Star Trek.”


“Where did I come from? Did you build me?”


“Is Christopher Columbus a pirate or something?”


“That’s okay; I’ll just pee in the shower.”

After watching 2001 A Space Odyssey (08/18/15):

“I loved that movie! But why did the aliens turn that guy into a zombie baby at the end?”


“People say I look just like you, so that means I’m a Dude Looks Like a Lady!”


“When I grow up, I’m going to be a superhero.  I’m going to call myself THE FLASHER.”


“I’m not responsible for my bad behavior because I’m farting.”

On Moby Dick (08/20/17):

“How do you bring a whale to justice?”


“Are hippies people?”

FACEBOOK: Infected Part I


First ••, and now I too have fallen victim to the highly-infectious, genetically-engineered retrovirus that has been spreading like wildfire throughout the •••••••• area. Local medical personnel are evidently being coerced and/or bribed into perpetuating the myth that this is nothing more than a simple norovirus, but there are still a handful of us left who know the truth.

To those of you for whom hope yet remains: TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION! Forget the hand sanitizers — stock up on handguns! Don’t open the door for anyone, not even your own mother! And contrary to what the CDC may claim (as if they could ever know better than USAMRIID anyway), it is NOT enough to simply remove the heads of the infected and/or destroy our brains — you must then burn us down to ash. (According to Readers’ Digest, 4 out of 5 outbreak survivors recommend kerosene over regular-unleaded.)

Farewell, my friends! I fear we have once again entered the world of survival horror. Good luck!

FACEBOOK: Bedtime Story


I had an awesome bedtime story told to me tonight:

Indiana Jones teams up with John Henry and Rosa Parks to travel to the future and rescue That Actor Mommy Likes (Manu Bennett) from a fortress full of zombies and save New York City from the zombies’ master, Killer Croc — who likewise had access to a time machine and apparently exists in some sort of bizarre symbiotic relationship with Davey Jones reminiscient of Etrigan and Jason Blood).

SPOILERS: Rosa Parks drowns wrestling her thousandth crocodile, John Henry gets eaten by the boss, Indiana Jones saves the day, and Manu Bennett marries Mommy.  (Okay, I sort of threw that last bit in there myself.)

FACEBOOK: Raptors vs. Zombies


Had a dream last night that I was trying to get into Jurassic Park — in the rain — only I’d forgotten my wallet.  Not sure if this is a disappointment or a relief.

Velociraptor dreams are cool.  I’m surprised no one’s ever made a movie entitled, “Velociraptors on a Plane.”  That right there sums up about half my dreams from adolescence.

Or how about, “Raptors vs. Zombies?”